Dear readers and listeners, I have often expressed upon this site that music heals. But sometimes, you need the music to process the pain you are undergoing, to endure the pain that has befallen you, to even wallow in the pain that has unearthed you.
For me, this past month has proven itself to being especially painful and music has ridden right alongside me, not as a healer but as an ever patient compatriot--willing, able and unabashedly steadfast in its endurance, complexity and endless amount of material necessary for me to dive and drown myself within.
I realize that there is an aspect to what I have just written that might sounds masochistic to you or just being miserable for the sake of being miserable for what is the point of delving into a lifetime's worth of sad songs, and sad love songs at that to sit with, be surrounded by and to ultimately cry along with...which admittedly, I have been doing an exceedingly large amount of over this past month?
I can only speak for myself and in my case, this past month, I will confess to you I have experienced a certain "bottoming out"--a period where essentially all of the stresses, challenges, obstacles and disappointments of my life, from professional to private and all of which are profoundly personal, have converged and in doing so, I have been severely upended. Just so you know, nothing overtly tragic has occurred. But, even so, I have been upended and so, I am crestfallen, I am heartbroken, I am confused, I am anxious, I am afraid, I am enraged, I am feeling unprotected, unsafe, unwanted, and despite the messages to the contrary from friends and family, I am feeling unloved.
I am certain that words like these may cause a sense of alarm and that is not my intent here. I also know that you are all probably more than curious as to what has happened to me and for the most part, and aside from experiencing my first Father's Day without my Dad, I will refuse to share for social media is truly not the place for full exposures. But one thing I will share has been a work of endurance over these last few weeks has related to my eyes...or more specifically, my glasses.
For those who do not know me in the real world, I am bespectacled and have been so for nearly the entirety of my life. Three weeks ago, my glasses suddenly and inexplicably broke in two, an act that felt completely and coincidentally symbolic to how I had already been feeling regarding other areas of my life. My glasses were unable to be fixed and so, new ones had to be ordered, a process which also unexpectedly became deeply frustrating and arduous in its slowness, and leaving me to wear a several years old with a several years old prescription pair of glasses, in which it was difficult to see and therefore fully engage with my life as I need to.
These are my eyes and I could not use them. Having crystal clear sight is not something I have ever taken for granted, as I have always been drastically near sighted. The moment my old glasses broke into two pieces immediately sent a tremendous wave of panic through me. But to go though three weeks of having to drive, to work, to enter stores, businesses and locations and being unable to see properly, to read signage or anything allowing me to navigate easily was emotionally damaging.
Being unable to really watch television, go to the movies, read comfortably, see people's faces clearly and yes, to even sit here and write on the computer as well and so, Synesthesia and Savage Cinema were forced to endure extensive hiatuses, which also made me feel that something that gave me purpose and enjoyment had somehow been wrestled away from me...and there has been so much that I have wanted to write to you about...so much!! But it was yet another loss to shoulder and it just hurt so, so badly.
I think you get the picture.
Everything compounded itself and as previously stated, I bottomed out...and so, with a head filled with conflicting thoughts and my broken heart and fractured spirit, I turned to music. Again, not as a healer but as something of an emotional lifeline, a source through which I could possibly attain some sort of a road map of my emotions so I could understand and dictate to myself just what I was feeling as everything has been so jumbled. Choice lyrics would stick out like an emotional bread crumb and one would lead to another, all of which creating a trail back to myself (and as I posted all of these songs upon my Facebook page, these were also emotional bread crumbs from me to whomever chose to notice yet without any full revelations). This allowed me to process things in the only way that I really could as even the act of writing was such a challenge.
And in doing so, day after day, while driving alone in my car somewhere, and typically at night when the house was quiet, my eyes filled over and over and over with tears...even as I write, I feel them trying to emerge. If they do, then so be it. I know the music will be here to cushion my fall.
I am not telling you all of this for fish for sympathy for that is not my style or intent. It is not designed to elicit any sense of worry on your part either. I am simply telling you that your happy, humbled DJ has not been terribly happy and has been unquestionably humbled by life these last several weeks in particular and that while music has not healed anything, I realize that is not what I needed from it this time.
I think I needed music to be something that I could confess everything to without explanation. I needed music to understand in ways that I am so afraid that other people just might not. I needed music to help me to just get a handle on myself and to do that, I needed to take the morass of thoughts and dissect them into more digestible pieces. I needed music to be my friend. It always is, of course. But this time, I really needed this friend.
Where Synesthesia goes from here I am really not certain. But, I am committed to keep moving step by step and we'll see what happens.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening.
PLAY LOUD!!!!
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