This is what it still feels like...
I still cannot believe that it is true. Or better yet, I just do not want to. Even after one year, none of this feels real to me even though I know only too well that it is indeed so terribly true. On Friday, April 21st, we will mark the one year anniversary of when Prince Rogers Nelson passed away from an accidental drug overdose. It remains so unbearably awful to think of and even to this day, I find myself still tearing up on occasion realizing all over again that he is gone.
Yes, yes, I know. We have his music. We have the breadth and depth of his artistic legacy, which we can continue to discover, re-discover, introduce and further cultivate for generations to come should we choose to do so. But, even so, the world doesn't feel right with his absence, because in my mind, Prince was an individual and artist that simply was not finished. And to that end, he should still be here in the material world with us, creating to his heart and spirit's content and furthermore, to our complete benefit. So sadly, that hope is an impossibility. But, I hope that you do not blame me for harboring such a wish, simply because he meant that much to me and I loved him so very, very much.
I would think that his biggest fans and most importantly, his friends and collaborators would feel the same as I do--the sheer disbelief and the ever continuing sense of mourning. Frankly, how could we not for the force of life that was contained in every single piece of art he created and shared with the world.
Over this past year, and especially during the first few months after his death, I can only offer my biggest words and feelings of gratitude towards those who did hold the keys to Prince's musical kingdom, at least as far as the internet is concerned.
On You Tube, where once was quite a barren landscape as far as Prince's music and videos were concerned, those floodgates opened powerfully after his passing and surprisingly without any obvious litigious blowback. It was as if whomever held those aforementioned keys knew that the fan community needed to grieve and heal together. And so, a tremendous amount of material appeared, from official releases to bootlegs--some of which I had never heard or seen before--were viewed and heard over and again, with comment sections overflowing with condolences, memories, overwhelming sadness and love for this idiosyncratic artist, who confirmed to us more than ever that there will never be another like him again.
I said that I have found myself tearing up at times since Prince's death. Even as recently as last month, while I watched footage from his sensational and ridiculously underseen concert film fantasia "Sign O' The Times" (1987) which he also directed, I found myself beginning to cry all over again during the "It's Gonna Be A Beautiful Night" sequence, where his skills as a singer, composer, dancer, musician (he even takes to the drums for a spell), and bandleader re-define "titanic," as it is as intricate and impossible as it is playful, energetic, (ahem) delirious and soul lifting. It is a sequence that leaves me spellbound within a movie that remains one of the best concert films I have been blessed to witness, and my tears began to well up in my eyes because of the fact that this man is gone and there will never be anything like this ever again.
I know that I should simply be grateful that I was alive and of the age to have experienced the majesty of Prince right as it happened. I was not born too soon or too late to experience him fully. I was here for him at the right time unquestionably. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful, more than I could ever completely express in words or actions. But, yes, I am powerfully sad when I think of him and the tragic ending to his life, and also, as I ponder just how much pain he possibly could have been in to die in the manner in which he did.
I have to also say that I have no interest whatsoever in any of the salacious details concerning his death. Additionally, and despite my curiosity, I feel that I even need to keep his first wife Mayte Garcia's newly released tell all book out of my reach. I feel this way because Prince is not here to defend himself and also, those stories only exist and persist in order to distract from what I believe is what he would want for us to concern ourselves with regarding his life: the music. The music that has challenged me as much as it has entertained. The music that has amazed me, enriched me, sustained me, perplexed me, soothed me, enlivened me, and in its own way, possessed me for over 30 years of my life, and will continue to do so for the rest of my days.
I guess that is the most important thing to take away from the tragedy. Just bask in the glory of Prince's music and artistic life, that for all of his intentional mystery, this is indeed what he wanted to reveal to us the most explicitly. Next month, I will be seeing The Revolution, Prince's former and possibly his most iconic band, whose core members--Wendy Melvoin (guitar/vocals), Lisa Coleman (keyboards.vocals), Dr. Fink (keyboards/synthesizers), Brown Mark (bass guitar/vocals) and Bobby Z. (drums)-- re-formed after his passing. I'm not sure what kind of an experience seeing this show will turn out to be (how could I?) but even so, it feels imperative to be present to share in the emotion and the music on that night with the musicians who helped to create a portion of it as well as the fans who have adored it ever since.
Yes, it is all about the music and the masterful skill in which he created it, and for that, I will forever rejoice...
...even when there are still tears in my eyes.
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